Bringing our girl home

Oh wow, finally bringing Peyton home was the most amazing moment ever. I felt like I was a little kid at Christmas and I couldn't stop smiling for days. I could hold her and kiss her and snuggle her whenever I wanted!!!! I couldn't believe how great it felt to just smell her sweet baby skin!! Being a mom was everything I ever dreamed it would be. I hope this doesn't come across too cheesy, but I even loved waking up with her in the night because I CRAVED spending time with her. I was more in love than I thought was possible and it just grew every moment that I got to spend with her. I honestly remember thinking that no other parent could have ever loved their baby as much as I loved mine. :) I know that's not the case, but I just couldn't believe how much I loved her.

Okay, I'll ease up on the lovey stuff for a bit. So as you know, it took a thickened formula for Peyton to be able to eat on her own and be able to come home. I had always planned on breast feeding, so this was a bit frustrating for me. While she was in the hospital we had worked on breast feeding and the plan was to keep trying it at home when she was ready for it. This meant I had to keep pumping while she was on formula and dumping it because we had nowhere to store that much milk. (I swear I am a dairy cow). That's where we hit the road block.

I had been hospitalized for mastitis 3 times and was very nervous of having to go back into the hospital and leaving Peyton at home. Also, Peyton had been on bottles for 2-3 months by this time....would she even want to work on breast feeding??? I didn't know and never will know, because I made the decision to stop pumping and just keep her on the formula that was working. I didn't want to keep changing things on her and even as I'm writing this I'm trying to justify my decision. I feel guilty for not breast feeding. I feel like I gave up. I feel like I short-changed Peyton. I felt like I let her down.

I know that everyone reading this understands why I made that decision, but I still feel bad about it. I didn't think I would have such guilt over something that wasn't completely in my control. Even my OB-GYN told me that if she were me, she wouldn't even attempt to breast feed my next baby because of the severe mastitis I had. I realize that I did what was best for me at the time and I will eventually let it go. Eventually.

And so the guilt begins. :)