Tunnel Vision

My whole world revolves around Peyton. I eat, sleep and breathe her. I want everything to be so perfect for her. She gets every second of my undivided attention. I can't believe how lucky I am to be her mom, but I also can't believe how overwhelmed I feel at the responsibility of teaching her everything she needs to know about life. It's not that I didn't understand what being a parent was, or all that it entailed. It's just that I think you don't feel the pressure until it's right in front of you. I am given this angel from heaven and I suddenly feel inadequate to be her mom.

I mean, she is the most precious gift anyone could ever be given and with that comes an amazing responsibility. I know that I will do my very best to be a good mom for her, but will I be good enough? She deserves the absolute best. Which is why I think I got such tunnel vision. I just want everything to be perfect.

And then I start to remember that I have a husband. :) And a home to run and a dog to take care of, let alone myself! I don't think I had put on real clothes or make up in weeks except to go to church. My poor husband! I had become so focused on making things perfect for Peyton that I was neglecting all my other loves and responsibitlities. I never wanted to be that frumpy mom in sweats with her hair in a pony tail EVERYDAY and yet, there I was. Peyton wasn't yet 5 months old and I was a long way from the mom I really wanted to be for her.

I thought I was doing everything perfect for her by devoting every second of every day to every want and need of hers. But I was becoming the mom I never wanted to be. I want Peyton to know how much I love her dad. I want her to know that I value myself enough to exercise and take care of myself. I want her to learn to love herself by watching me love myself and love her father and love her. I had some changes to make.

I started to take time to just snuggle my husband so that he wouldn't feel like he was forgotten. I started to take my dog on walks and getting exercise for myself. I got my hair cut and my painted my toenails. I started getting out of my pajamas everyday. And you know what? I started to feel like myself again. I didn't feel like I was just a mom, I felt like me. I didn't realize how fast I could lose myself. Peyton is by far the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, but I still need to be me to be a great mom to her.