We are forever hearing about the way mothers put themselves last and don't take care of themselves. This isn't anything new. It's been the topic of talk shows, makeover shows and even conversations with my family and friends. Whenever the topic is brought up, we cover things like eating right and exercising. I thought those were the main ways that moms put themselves last. But recently, while talking to my sister, she pointed out ways I put myself last that have nothing to do with eating right or exercising.
For instance, whenever my husband is going to be home with Peyton for the day, I prepare everything ahead of time. I make sure plenty of bottles are washed, I get a change of clothes ready in case she needs them, I have food prepared, toys organized, wipes and diapers stocked, etc. I do this because I don't want him to have any added stress for the day, I want to make it as easy as possible for him. Why don't I do that for myself? There are times when Peyton is crying and EVERY bottle is in the sink waiting to be washed, or her wipe container is empty right when I've started to change a very messy diaper. When I'm unorganized like that, it only adds stress to my days.
I know that at night, when your child is FINALLY sleeping, the last thing you want to do is wash bottles, but when I need a bottle in the middle of the night I am cursing myself for not taking the 3 minutes it would've taken to wash them. I also know I am a good mom, but I could be a better, calmer mom, if I took 20-30 minutes to prepare for the next day. Most of the moments when I am super stressed are when I'm trying to get things done and Peyton won't let me put her down or stop crying or take even a thirty minute nap. However, I have realized that so many of these moments could be avoided if I just took the time to make my own day as easy and stress free as I try to make my husbands.
I really don't know why this hadn't ever occured to me before. And I really don't know why so many of us do this to ourselves! My goal is to be more organized so that I can have less PREVENTABLE stressful moments!
Moms: Let's take better care of ourselves, not just physically, but mentally as well!
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Saturday, January 19, 2013
The Worst
Do you have days when you feel like you're the worst? The worst mom. The worst wife. The worst housekeeper. The worst dog owner. The worst friend. I have days when I feel like I'm the worst at everything. I look around my house and see dog fur in the corners or I stop to think when I gave Peyton her last bath and realize it was at least 3 nights ago. Some days I completely forget to brush her teeth! My poor dog doesn't get walked very regularly at all and he certainly needs it. And the only time my sweet husband gets my full attention is for about five minutes before I fall asleep. THE WORST!
I'm not writing this so that people will comment on all the good things I am able to accomplish and how loved my daughter is, or how it's more important to play with her than to have a clean house. I know all those things. But there are still days when I feel like the worst.
One of the biggest problems is that I compare myself to what I see other people doing. People that have more kids than I do and have a much cleaner house. Or people that have more kids and work full time and still make homemade meals and keep up on their scrapbooking and host amazing dinners or birthday parties. I sit there in awe and wonder how they do it. I can barely keep up with the bare necessities most days, how are they going above and beyond??? What is the secret???
I can't remember the last time I put on make up when I wasn't going anywhere, or sat and loved my dog for no reason, or made my husband a cute note like I used to. Has having Peyton really changed everything THAT much? How does becoming a mother make me feel so inadequate in every other area?
I honestly am not trying to have a pity party. I'm just expressing some of the things I've been going through since becoming a mom. I know I'm a good mom, 95% of the time. I really don't need reassurance. I have a wonderful husband who tells me what a great mom I am all the time. And logically I know I'm a good wife. I don't do everything that some wives do for their husbands (like pack their suitcases for a trip), but he knows he is loved. When I step back and look at it, I think I do a pretty decent job of living my life, but why do I still go through those moments of feeling like the worst? Is it just part of the humbling job of motherhood?
Having my sweet baby girl has been the greatest, hardest, most humbling, most amazing thing I've ever done in my life. I don't think I'm inadequate, I think I'm realizing I can be better. I think being a mom makes us reevaluate who we are, because who we are is who our daughters will become. It makes us take a good look at the way we treat our husbands and our friends to make sure we're being the example we need to be, for our children to learn from and for them to live up to. It makes us realize we are always being watched, not just by God, but by our children and that is sometimes more frightening.
So in the end, if having Peyton forces me to step it up and be a little bit better wife, or a little bit better housekeeper, or a little bit better person overall, then I will always be in debt to her.
I'm not writing this so that people will comment on all the good things I am able to accomplish and how loved my daughter is, or how it's more important to play with her than to have a clean house. I know all those things. But there are still days when I feel like the worst.
One of the biggest problems is that I compare myself to what I see other people doing. People that have more kids than I do and have a much cleaner house. Or people that have more kids and work full time and still make homemade meals and keep up on their scrapbooking and host amazing dinners or birthday parties. I sit there in awe and wonder how they do it. I can barely keep up with the bare necessities most days, how are they going above and beyond??? What is the secret???
I can't remember the last time I put on make up when I wasn't going anywhere, or sat and loved my dog for no reason, or made my husband a cute note like I used to. Has having Peyton really changed everything THAT much? How does becoming a mother make me feel so inadequate in every other area?
I honestly am not trying to have a pity party. I'm just expressing some of the things I've been going through since becoming a mom. I know I'm a good mom, 95% of the time. I really don't need reassurance. I have a wonderful husband who tells me what a great mom I am all the time. And logically I know I'm a good wife. I don't do everything that some wives do for their husbands (like pack their suitcases for a trip), but he knows he is loved. When I step back and look at it, I think I do a pretty decent job of living my life, but why do I still go through those moments of feeling like the worst? Is it just part of the humbling job of motherhood?
Having my sweet baby girl has been the greatest, hardest, most humbling, most amazing thing I've ever done in my life. I don't think I'm inadequate, I think I'm realizing I can be better. I think being a mom makes us reevaluate who we are, because who we are is who our daughters will become. It makes us take a good look at the way we treat our husbands and our friends to make sure we're being the example we need to be, for our children to learn from and for them to live up to. It makes us realize we are always being watched, not just by God, but by our children and that is sometimes more frightening.
So in the end, if having Peyton forces me to step it up and be a little bit better wife, or a little bit better housekeeper, or a little bit better person overall, then I will always be in debt to her.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Validated
Everyday feels the same. Not in a bad way, just in a Groundhog's Day sort of way. It goes pretty much like this:
When they were nearing the end of their lives they realized what was most important: family. I don't want to be on my death bed wishing I had spent more time with Peyton and Malcolm. It just hit me so hard that being a stay at home mom is the one thing I can do that will not leave me with any regrets. I'm sure there are many things I will do as a mom that I will wish I could go back and do over, but spending this valuable time with my girl will never be one of those things.
Please don't misunderstand what I'm saying. I'm not judging anyone that has to work or wants to work, if things ever changed for us I would need to work as well. I just feel renewed and refreshed and validated with MY decision to stay home.
I truly love being a mother. I waited a long time to have my girl and it's more fulfilling (and exhausting) than I ever imagined. I'm so grateful for her health and happiness and for the love and support I get from Malcolm. Seeing him with Peyton melts my heart and I'm beyond thankful she has such a great dad.
I know this is sappy and lovey dovey, but these are the moments I have as a mother. It is an incredible roller coaster of emotions and I hope that by writing them down and remembering them I won't forget how important my family is when life starts to get in the way. My goal is for my family to know how loved and important they are to me. They are my everything. If at the end of my life, Peyton and Malcolm don't feel like they are the most important things to me, then I have failed. I will not fail.
- Wake up, let Stanley out, change and feed Peyton
- Eat something myself, feed Stanley, get P dressed
- Watch P play for a while, hand off to Malcolm so I can run on treadmill
- Shower, make P a bottle, feed her and snuggle until she sleeps
- Do laundry or dishes or whatever needs to be done
- Make P's lunch and feed her
- Clean up and play until Peyton is tired enough to take another nap
- Maybe take a trip to Walmart or the library
- Snuggle, etc
When they were nearing the end of their lives they realized what was most important: family. I don't want to be on my death bed wishing I had spent more time with Peyton and Malcolm. It just hit me so hard that being a stay at home mom is the one thing I can do that will not leave me with any regrets. I'm sure there are many things I will do as a mom that I will wish I could go back and do over, but spending this valuable time with my girl will never be one of those things.
Please don't misunderstand what I'm saying. I'm not judging anyone that has to work or wants to work, if things ever changed for us I would need to work as well. I just feel renewed and refreshed and validated with MY decision to stay home.
I truly love being a mother. I waited a long time to have my girl and it's more fulfilling (and exhausting) than I ever imagined. I'm so grateful for her health and happiness and for the love and support I get from Malcolm. Seeing him with Peyton melts my heart and I'm beyond thankful she has such a great dad.
I know this is sappy and lovey dovey, but these are the moments I have as a mother. It is an incredible roller coaster of emotions and I hope that by writing them down and remembering them I won't forget how important my family is when life starts to get in the way. My goal is for my family to know how loved and important they are to me. They are my everything. If at the end of my life, Peyton and Malcolm don't feel like they are the most important things to me, then I have failed. I will not fail.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Mama Bear
I watched numerous friends and lots of my siblings have children before me. (Since I was pretty much ancient when I had Peyton). As I've watched so many people become parents, I've noticed something about all of them: They turn into mama bears INSTANTLY when their children are being discussed in any manner. Just the comment "hmmm, I thought babies sat up earlier than that", could make a new mom grow claws and nearly rip someone's head off in defense of their baby sitting up later than other babies. I thought they were crazy!
I mean, we all know every baby is different and it really isn't a competition to see whose baby sat up first, or got teeth first, or rolled over first. But it seemed that as soon as you were a mom it turned into a competition. I didn't think it would happen to me, I was so naive. The first time someone said, "oh she's not even pulling herself up into crawling position yet?" I felt the change start to happen deep within. I felt the claws start to take over my fingers and I swear I temporarily grew fangs (and since I hadn't shaved in a while, I could've been mistaken for an actual bear). I really thought I might punch this person!
I had to talk myself down, unclench my fists and nicely explain that she was a preemie so all of her milestones would be reached a couple of months later than the average baby. Besides, my baby is perfect and will do everything perfectly at the perfect time! Doesn't everyone know that about Peyton?? Looking back on this incident cracks me up! I realize how irrational it was to feel that way, but I didn't see it coming so I couldn't prevent the anger from boiling up to the surface! Now that I'm aware of the possibility of becoming a mama bear at any moment, I can proceed more carefully.
I would like to take this moment to apologize to any new mom that I might have offended in the past. It was not intentional and I'm sorry I didn't understand the "mama bear effect" until having a cub of my own.
I mean, we all know every baby is different and it really isn't a competition to see whose baby sat up first, or got teeth first, or rolled over first. But it seemed that as soon as you were a mom it turned into a competition. I didn't think it would happen to me, I was so naive. The first time someone said, "oh she's not even pulling herself up into crawling position yet?" I felt the change start to happen deep within. I felt the claws start to take over my fingers and I swear I temporarily grew fangs (and since I hadn't shaved in a while, I could've been mistaken for an actual bear). I really thought I might punch this person!
I had to talk myself down, unclench my fists and nicely explain that she was a preemie so all of her milestones would be reached a couple of months later than the average baby. Besides, my baby is perfect and will do everything perfectly at the perfect time! Doesn't everyone know that about Peyton?? Looking back on this incident cracks me up! I realize how irrational it was to feel that way, but I didn't see it coming so I couldn't prevent the anger from boiling up to the surface! Now that I'm aware of the possibility of becoming a mama bear at any moment, I can proceed more carefully.
I would like to take this moment to apologize to any new mom that I might have offended in the past. It was not intentional and I'm sorry I didn't understand the "mama bear effect" until having a cub of my own.
Friday, September 28, 2012
"Just" a mom
When we lived up north I was working as a guard at the jail and also as an EA at the school. When I found out I was pregnant I knew I wouldn't be going back to the school in the fall, the kids were much too violent to be around while pregnant. I thought I could keep guarding, but I soon realized I was CONSTANTLY nauseated and the smells in a jail are NOT conducive to keeping down your breakfast. So I didn't continue working there either. And then we moved south.
After we moved into our new house I was 4 1/2 months pregnant and we decided it would be pointless for me to find a new job. I mean, who would hire me for a couple months? So I started claiming unemployment, which was awesome because I felt like I was still contributing to our household. Unemployment in Canada lasts much longer than I expected and it helped so much while we had to be away from home when Peyton was in the hospital.
Well, it recently ran out. I had a bit of a breakdown when that happened. I mean, I knew it wouldn't last forever, but now I wasn't bringing any money into our family. It felt unnatural. I have always been an independent person when it comes to money. But I also always knew I wanted to be a stay at home mom. I didn't realize how much these two things would clash. Once again, my poor husband. He is so patient while I work through every new inner struggle that comes with being a new mom.
Is being a stay at home mom enough? That was the question. Was it enough for me? Was it enough for our family? Was it enough for Peyton? I felt in my heart that being "just" a mom was exactly what I was supposed to be doing, but my brain was struggling with this. So many mom's I know already have their degrees and careers before having kids, I am way behind in that area and so I feel very inadequate as a mom and a wife. I don't want Peyton to feel like I'm not as smart or as ambitious as other mom's because I don't have a career. I've always planned on finishing a degree at some point, it just keeps getting pushed to the back of my priority list. But I also want her to know how important it is to be a mom.
Ultimately, I know that being a mom is the hardest, most important job in the world. To raise another human being is a HUGE responsibility. I believe that not enough importance is placed on the role of being a mother these days, which could be contributing to my insecurity in being "just" a mom. I'm not writing this to offend anyone. I'm just sharing the inner struggle I went through in coming to peace with being a stay at home mom. There is no place I would rather be than with my girl all day. I don't want to miss any part of her growing up. I had her so I could raise her and I am fortunate enough to be able to stay home and do that.
So, to answer the ultimate question: Being a mom is more than enough, it the most fulfilling job in the world. I know there is no greater challenge and no greater blessing than being a mother. I feel so honored to be Peyton's mom and I couldn't be prouder to tell people that I am "just" a mom.
After we moved into our new house I was 4 1/2 months pregnant and we decided it would be pointless for me to find a new job. I mean, who would hire me for a couple months? So I started claiming unemployment, which was awesome because I felt like I was still contributing to our household. Unemployment in Canada lasts much longer than I expected and it helped so much while we had to be away from home when Peyton was in the hospital.
Well, it recently ran out. I had a bit of a breakdown when that happened. I mean, I knew it wouldn't last forever, but now I wasn't bringing any money into our family. It felt unnatural. I have always been an independent person when it comes to money. But I also always knew I wanted to be a stay at home mom. I didn't realize how much these two things would clash. Once again, my poor husband. He is so patient while I work through every new inner struggle that comes with being a new mom.
Is being a stay at home mom enough? That was the question. Was it enough for me? Was it enough for our family? Was it enough for Peyton? I felt in my heart that being "just" a mom was exactly what I was supposed to be doing, but my brain was struggling with this. So many mom's I know already have their degrees and careers before having kids, I am way behind in that area and so I feel very inadequate as a mom and a wife. I don't want Peyton to feel like I'm not as smart or as ambitious as other mom's because I don't have a career. I've always planned on finishing a degree at some point, it just keeps getting pushed to the back of my priority list. But I also want her to know how important it is to be a mom.
Ultimately, I know that being a mom is the hardest, most important job in the world. To raise another human being is a HUGE responsibility. I believe that not enough importance is placed on the role of being a mother these days, which could be contributing to my insecurity in being "just" a mom. I'm not writing this to offend anyone. I'm just sharing the inner struggle I went through in coming to peace with being a stay at home mom. There is no place I would rather be than with my girl all day. I don't want to miss any part of her growing up. I had her so I could raise her and I am fortunate enough to be able to stay home and do that.
So, to answer the ultimate question: Being a mom is more than enough, it the most fulfilling job in the world. I know there is no greater challenge and no greater blessing than being a mother. I feel so honored to be Peyton's mom and I couldn't be prouder to tell people that I am "just" a mom.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Tunnel Vision
My whole world revolves around Peyton. I eat, sleep and breathe her. I want everything to be so perfect for her. She gets every second of my undivided attention. I can't believe how lucky I am to be her mom, but I also can't believe how overwhelmed I feel at the responsibility of teaching her everything she needs to know about life. It's not that I didn't understand what being a parent was, or all that it entailed. It's just that I think you don't feel the pressure until it's right in front of you. I am given this angel from heaven and I suddenly feel inadequate to be her mom.
I mean, she is the most precious gift anyone could ever be given and with that comes an amazing responsibility. I know that I will do my very best to be a good mom for her, but will I be good enough? She deserves the absolute best. Which is why I think I got such tunnel vision. I just want everything to be perfect.
And then I start to remember that I have a husband. :) And a home to run and a dog to take care of, let alone myself! I don't think I had put on real clothes or make up in weeks except to go to church. My poor husband! I had become so focused on making things perfect for Peyton that I was neglecting all my other loves and responsibitlities. I never wanted to be that frumpy mom in sweats with her hair in a pony tail EVERYDAY and yet, there I was. Peyton wasn't yet 5 months old and I was a long way from the mom I really wanted to be for her.
I thought I was doing everything perfect for her by devoting every second of every day to every want and need of hers. But I was becoming the mom I never wanted to be. I want Peyton to know how much I love her dad. I want her to know that I value myself enough to exercise and take care of myself. I want her to learn to love herself by watching me love myself and love her father and love her. I had some changes to make.
I started to take time to just snuggle my husband so that he wouldn't feel like he was forgotten. I started to take my dog on walks and getting exercise for myself. I got my hair cut and my painted my toenails. I started getting out of my pajamas everyday. And you know what? I started to feel like myself again. I didn't feel like I was just a mom, I felt like me. I didn't realize how fast I could lose myself. Peyton is by far the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, but I still need to be me to be a great mom to her.
I mean, she is the most precious gift anyone could ever be given and with that comes an amazing responsibility. I know that I will do my very best to be a good mom for her, but will I be good enough? She deserves the absolute best. Which is why I think I got such tunnel vision. I just want everything to be perfect.
And then I start to remember that I have a husband. :) And a home to run and a dog to take care of, let alone myself! I don't think I had put on real clothes or make up in weeks except to go to church. My poor husband! I had become so focused on making things perfect for Peyton that I was neglecting all my other loves and responsibitlities. I never wanted to be that frumpy mom in sweats with her hair in a pony tail EVERYDAY and yet, there I was. Peyton wasn't yet 5 months old and I was a long way from the mom I really wanted to be for her.
I thought I was doing everything perfect for her by devoting every second of every day to every want and need of hers. But I was becoming the mom I never wanted to be. I want Peyton to know how much I love her dad. I want her to know that I value myself enough to exercise and take care of myself. I want her to learn to love herself by watching me love myself and love her father and love her. I had some changes to make.
I started to take time to just snuggle my husband so that he wouldn't feel like he was forgotten. I started to take my dog on walks and getting exercise for myself. I got my hair cut and my painted my toenails. I started getting out of my pajamas everyday. And you know what? I started to feel like myself again. I didn't feel like I was just a mom, I felt like me. I didn't realize how fast I could lose myself. Peyton is by far the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, but I still need to be me to be a great mom to her.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Bringing our girl home
Oh wow, finally bringing Peyton home was the most amazing moment ever. I felt like I was a little kid at Christmas and I couldn't stop smiling for days. I could hold her and kiss her and snuggle her whenever I wanted!!!! I couldn't believe how great it felt to just smell her sweet baby skin!! Being a mom was everything I ever dreamed it would be. I hope this doesn't come across too cheesy, but I even loved waking up with her in the night because I CRAVED spending time with her. I was more in love than I thought was possible and it just grew every moment that I got to spend with her. I honestly remember thinking that no other parent could have ever loved their baby as much as I loved mine. :) I know that's not the case, but I just couldn't believe how much I loved her.
Okay, I'll ease up on the lovey stuff for a bit. So as you know, it took a thickened formula for Peyton to be able to eat on her own and be able to come home. I had always planned on breast feeding, so this was a bit frustrating for me. While she was in the hospital we had worked on breast feeding and the plan was to keep trying it at home when she was ready for it. This meant I had to keep pumping while she was on formula and dumping it because we had nowhere to store that much milk. (I swear I am a dairy cow). That's where we hit the road block.
I had been hospitalized for mastitis 3 times and was very nervous of having to go back into the hospital and leaving Peyton at home. Also, Peyton had been on bottles for 2-3 months by this time....would she even want to work on breast feeding??? I didn't know and never will know, because I made the decision to stop pumping and just keep her on the formula that was working. I didn't want to keep changing things on her and even as I'm writing this I'm trying to justify my decision. I feel guilty for not breast feeding. I feel like I gave up. I feel like I short-changed Peyton. I felt like I let her down.
I know that everyone reading this understands why I made that decision, but I still feel bad about it. I didn't think I would have such guilt over something that wasn't completely in my control. Even my OB-GYN told me that if she were me, she wouldn't even attempt to breast feed my next baby because of the severe mastitis I had. I realize that I did what was best for me at the time and I will eventually let it go. Eventually.
And so the guilt begins. :)
Okay, I'll ease up on the lovey stuff for a bit. So as you know, it took a thickened formula for Peyton to be able to eat on her own and be able to come home. I had always planned on breast feeding, so this was a bit frustrating for me. While she was in the hospital we had worked on breast feeding and the plan was to keep trying it at home when she was ready for it. This meant I had to keep pumping while she was on formula and dumping it because we had nowhere to store that much milk. (I swear I am a dairy cow). That's where we hit the road block.
I had been hospitalized for mastitis 3 times and was very nervous of having to go back into the hospital and leaving Peyton at home. Also, Peyton had been on bottles for 2-3 months by this time....would she even want to work on breast feeding??? I didn't know and never will know, because I made the decision to stop pumping and just keep her on the formula that was working. I didn't want to keep changing things on her and even as I'm writing this I'm trying to justify my decision. I feel guilty for not breast feeding. I feel like I gave up. I feel like I short-changed Peyton. I felt like I let her down.
I know that everyone reading this understands why I made that decision, but I still feel bad about it. I didn't think I would have such guilt over something that wasn't completely in my control. Even my OB-GYN told me that if she were me, she wouldn't even attempt to breast feed my next baby because of the severe mastitis I had. I realize that I did what was best for me at the time and I will eventually let it go. Eventually.
And so the guilt begins. :)
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