Validated

Everyday feels the same. Not in a bad way, just in a Groundhog's Day sort of way. It goes pretty much like this:

• Wake up, let Stanley out, change and feed Peyton
• Eat something myself, feed Stanley, get P dressed
• Watch P play for a while, hand off to Malcolm so I can run on treadmill
• Shower, make P a bottle, feed her and snuggle until she sleeps
• Do laundry or dishes or whatever needs to be done
• Make P's lunch and feed her
• Clean up and play until Peyton is tired enough to take another nap
• Maybe take a trip to Walmart or the library
• Snuggle, etc

And then it's time to put her to bed and clean up from the day. This could be why it doesn't feel like I accomplish much as a stay at home mom.  I feel like the only things I get done are things I'm going to have to do again the next day. Sometimes it feels like I'm not moving forward or backward, I'm just stagnant. Don't get me wrong, I love being Peyton's best buddy and spending time with her, I just don't feel like I accomplish much. However, after watching General Conference this weekend, I feel renewed and refreshed and valuable as a mother. (For anyone who doesn't know what General Conference is, twice a year the Prophet and apostles of the LDS church speak to the members and the world in a live broadcast that we can watch on the internet or at the church on satelite). In the Saturday morning session a talk was given about "enjoying the journey" of life and not being so caught up with being busy. He said some of us wear being too busy like a badge of honor. Which made me wonder why I think being busy = being valuable. My days may not be busy but they are full of meaningful and valuable things.He talked about a woman who was a nurse for patients with chronic illnesses. When her patients were coming close to the end of their lives, she would ask them if they had any regrets. She stated that the most common answer her patients gave was wishing they had spent more time with their families and those they loved.

When they were nearing the end of their lives they realized what was most important: family. I don't want to be on my death bed wishing I had spent more time with Peyton and Malcolm. It just hit me so hard that being a stay at home mom is the one thing I can do that will not leave me with any regrets. I'm sure there are many things I will do as a mom that I will wish I could go back and do over, but spending this valuable time with my girl will never be one of those things.

Please don't misunderstand what I'm saying. I'm not judging anyone that has to work or wants to work, if things ever changed for us I would need to work as well. I just feel renewed and refreshed and validated with MY decision to stay home.

I truly love being a mother. I waited a long time to have my girl and it's more fulfilling (and exhausting) than I ever imagined. I'm so grateful for her health and happiness and for the love and support I get from Malcolm. Seeing him with Peyton melts my heart and I'm beyond thankful she has such a great dad.

I know this is sappy and lovey dovey, but these are the moments I have as a mother. It is an incredible roller coaster of emotions and I hope that by writing them down and remembering them I won't forget how important my family is when life starts to get in the way. My goal is for my family to know how loved and important they are to me. They are my everything.  If at the end of my life, Peyton and Malcolm don't feel like they are the most important things to me, then I have failed. I will not fail.

Mama Bear

I watched numerous friends and lots of my siblings have children before me. (Since I was pretty much ancient when I had Peyton). As I've watched so many people become parents, I've noticed something about all of them: They turn into mama bears INSTANTLY when their children are being discussed in any manner. Just the comment "hmmm, I thought babies sat up earlier than that", could make a new mom grow claws and nearly rip someone's head off in defense of their baby sitting up later than other babies. I thought they were crazy!

I mean, we all know every baby is different and it really isn't a competition to see whose baby sat up first, or got teeth first, or rolled over first. But it seemed that as soon as you were a mom it turned into a competition. I didn't think it would happen to me, I was so naive. The first time someone said, "oh she's not even pulling herself up into crawling position yet?" I felt the change start to happen deep within. I felt the claws start to take over my fingers and I swear I temporarily grew fangs (and since I hadn't shaved in a while, I could've been mistaken for an actual bear). I really thought I might punch this person!

I had to talk myself down, unclench my fists and nicely explain that she was a preemie so all of her milestones would be reached a couple of months later than the average baby. Besides, my baby is perfect and will do everything perfectly at the perfect time! Doesn't everyone know that about Peyton?? Looking back on this incident cracks me up! I realize how irrational it was to feel that way, but I didn't see it coming so I couldn't prevent the anger from boiling up to the surface! Now that I'm aware of the possibility of becoming a mama bear at any moment, I can proceed more carefully.

I would like to take this moment to apologize to any new mom that I might have offended in the past. It was not intentional and I'm sorry I didn't understand the "mama bear effect" until having a cub of my own.

"Just" a mom

When we lived up north I was working as a guard at the jail and also as an EA at the school. When I found out I was pregnant I knew I wouldn't be going back to the school in the fall, the kids were much too violent to be around while pregnant. I thought I could keep guarding, but I soon realized I was CONSTANTLY nauseated and the smells in a jail are NOT conducive to keeping down your breakfast. So I didn't continue working there either. And then we moved south.

After we moved into our new house I was 4 1/2 months pregnant and we decided it would be pointless for me to find a new job. I mean, who would hire me for a couple months? So I started claiming unemployment, which was awesome because I felt like I was still contributing to our household. Unemployment in Canada lasts much longer than I expected and it helped so much while we had to be away from home when Peyton was in the hospital.

Well, it recently ran out. I had a bit of a breakdown when that happened. I mean, I knew it wouldn't last forever, but now I wasn't bringing any money into our family. It felt unnatural. I have always been an independent person when it comes to money. But I also always knew I wanted to be a stay at home mom. I didn't realize how much these two things would clash. Once again, my poor husband. He is so patient while I work through every new inner struggle that comes with being a new mom.

Is being a stay at home mom enough? That was the question. Was it enough for me? Was it enough for our family? Was it enough for Peyton? I felt in my heart that being "just" a mom was exactly what I was supposed to be doing, but my brain was struggling with this. So many mom's I know already have their degrees and careers before having kids, I am way behind in that area and so I feel very inadequate as a mom and a wife. I don't want Peyton to feel like I'm not as smart or as ambitious as other mom's because I don't have a career. I've always planned on finishing a degree at some point, it just keeps getting pushed to the back of my priority list. But I also want her to know how important it is to be a mom.

Ultimately, I know that being a mom is the hardest, most important job in the world. To raise another human being is a HUGE responsibility. I believe that not enough importance is placed on the role of being a mother these days, which could be contributing to my insecurity in being "just" a mom. I'm not writing this to offend anyone. I'm just sharing the inner struggle I went through in coming to peace with being a stay at home mom. There is no place I would rather be than with my girl all day. I don't want to miss any part of her growing up. I had her so I could raise her and I am fortunate enough to be able to stay home and do that.

So, to answer the ultimate question: Being a mom is more than enough, it the most fulfilling job in the world. I know there is no greater challenge and no greater blessing than being a mother. I feel so honored to be Peyton's mom and I couldn't be prouder to tell people that I am "just" a mom.

Tunnel Vision

My whole world revolves around Peyton. I eat, sleep and breathe her. I want everything to be so perfect for her. She gets every second of my undivided attention. I can't believe how lucky I am to be her mom, but I also can't believe how overwhelmed I feel at the responsibility of teaching her everything she needs to know about life. It's not that I didn't understand what being a parent was, or all that it entailed. It's just that I think you don't feel the pressure until it's right in front of you. I am given this angel from heaven and I suddenly feel inadequate to be her mom.

I mean, she is the most precious gift anyone could ever be given and with that comes an amazing responsibility. I know that I will do my very best to be a good mom for her, but will I be good enough? She deserves the absolute best. Which is why I think I got such tunnel vision. I just want everything to be perfect.

And then I start to remember that I have a husband. :) And a home to run and a dog to take care of, let alone myself! I don't think I had put on real clothes or make up in weeks except to go to church. My poor husband! I had become so focused on making things perfect for Peyton that I was neglecting all my other loves and responsibitlities. I never wanted to be that frumpy mom in sweats with her hair in a pony tail EVERYDAY and yet, there I was. Peyton wasn't yet 5 months old and I was a long way from the mom I really wanted to be for her.

I thought I was doing everything perfect for her by devoting every second of every day to every want and need of hers. But I was becoming the mom I never wanted to be. I want Peyton to know how much I love her dad. I want her to know that I value myself enough to exercise and take care of myself. I want her to learn to love herself by watching me love myself and love her father and love her. I had some changes to make.

I started to take time to just snuggle my husband so that he wouldn't feel like he was forgotten. I started to take my dog on walks and getting exercise for myself. I got my hair cut and my painted my toenails. I started getting out of my pajamas everyday. And you know what? I started to feel like myself again. I didn't feel like I was just a mom, I felt like me. I didn't realize how fast I could lose myself. Peyton is by far the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, but I still need to be me to be a great mom to her.

Bringing our girl home

Oh wow, finally bringing Peyton home was the most amazing moment ever. I felt like I was a little kid at Christmas and I couldn't stop smiling for days. I could hold her and kiss her and snuggle her whenever I wanted!!!! I couldn't believe how great it felt to just smell her sweet baby skin!! Being a mom was everything I ever dreamed it would be. I hope this doesn't come across too cheesy, but I even loved waking up with her in the night because I CRAVED spending time with her. I was more in love than I thought was possible and it just grew every moment that I got to spend with her. I honestly remember thinking that no other parent could have ever loved their baby as much as I loved mine. :) I know that's not the case, but I just couldn't believe how much I loved her.

Okay, I'll ease up on the lovey stuff for a bit. So as you know, it took a thickened formula for Peyton to be able to eat on her own and be able to come home. I had always planned on breast feeding, so this was a bit frustrating for me. While she was in the hospital we had worked on breast feeding and the plan was to keep trying it at home when she was ready for it. This meant I had to keep pumping while she was on formula and dumping it because we had nowhere to store that much milk. (I swear I am a dairy cow). That's where we hit the road block.

I had been hospitalized for mastitis 3 times and was very nervous of having to go back into the hospital and leaving Peyton at home. Also, Peyton had been on bottles for 2-3 months by this time....would she even want to work on breast feeding??? I didn't know and never will know, because I made the decision to stop pumping and just keep her on the formula that was working. I didn't want to keep changing things on her and even as I'm writing this I'm trying to justify my decision. I feel guilty for not breast feeding. I feel like I gave up. I feel like I short-changed Peyton. I felt like I let her down.

I know that everyone reading this understands why I made that decision, but I still feel bad about it. I didn't think I would have such guilt over something that wasn't completely in my control. Even my OB-GYN told me that if she were me, she wouldn't even attempt to breast feed my next baby because of the severe mastitis I had. I realize that I did what was best for me at the time and I will eventually let it go. Eventually.

And so the guilt begins. :)

My baby story

Nothing in life seems to be exactly as we plan it. Here is a little background on my struggles to become a mom.

From the time I was little I knew that my main calling in life was to be a mom. I never wanted anything more. I met my best friend and married him when I was 28 and a year later we started trying to have a baby. I got pregnant after four months and could not have been more excited. When I was 12 and a half weeks pregnant I lost my baby. Unless you've lost a baby you can't even begin to understand the devastation. I was a mess for months. I cried at everything and had moments of anger towards other women carrying babies to term. It was so unreal. I never imagined that I would love a baby so much before ever holding it.

After this miscarriage I was terrified to try to get pregnant again. I went back on birth control for a couple months until I felt like I was ready to handle everything. I didn't get pregnant as quickly that time around, but when I did it was only for 7 weeks. Once again, my whole life felt like it was upside down. I still knew that I was meant to be a mom, but I started to wonder if I would have children of my own. This time around I handled things much better and was able to try getting pregnant right away.

Two months later I was pregnant again, and terrified. I couldn't handle losing another baby. Things were going great and I was feeling all the pregnancy symptoms-puking, exhaustion, etc. Around 8 weeks along I started spotting and I fell into a bit of a depression, expecting the worst. After many hours of praying and crying, I knew I would have to accept whatever happened. Thankfully, my pregnancy continued. After hearing my baby's heartbeat at every appointment I had some days of calm. But they didn't last long. I was paranoid beyond belief about losing my baby.

I couldn't convince myself to buy anything for the baby room because I felt like I was going to jinx my pregnancy. Even after we had our ultrasound and found out we were having a girl I was reluctant to buy things for her. The fear of losing her was always on my mind. Eventually we bought a crib and decided on a bedroom theme, but I still wouldn't put anything together or do any painting.

I went into labor when I was 32 weeks, 1 day along and after 3 days and two ambulance trips into Winnipeg I had my beautiful baby girl 7 and a half weeks early on January 29, 2012. She was 4lbs 7oz and 17 inhces long. She was perfect and beautiful and cried right away and didn't need any breathing help. She was a miracle.

We thought she would be able to come home fairly quickly because she was thriving, but then things took a bit of a turn. She stopped eating on her own, she wouldn't even wake up to eat. When she did try eating, she would gag and choke and turn blue and needed LOTS of stimulation to get her heartrate back up. It was terrifying. Days turned into weeks and no one knew why this was happening. She had to endure every test possible - lumbar puncture, eeg, Aeeg, sleep study, bloodwork, catheters, chest x-ray, head ultrasound, MRI, etc. It was heart wrenching to watch this helpless little girl have to go through all of these things and not understand what was happening.

Finally, one of the swallow specialists recommended taking her off breast milk (she was getting most of it through a feeding tube) and trying a thickened formula. Seriously? That could fix everything? I was more than hesitant to be hopeful, she had been in the hospital for 7 1/2 weeks at this point. But she explained her theory-that Peyton had a strong suck and the milk was shooting to the back of her throat and hitting her vegal nerve and causing this reaction. Could it be so simple??? Yes, it could be. The first time she had the thickened formula she finished her whole bottle and two days later she was discharged.

Incredible. I couldn't believe that it was such a simple fix and wondered what lessons I was supposed to learn from her being in the hospital for so long. I still don't have the answer for that. I am so grateful that it was a simple fix for our little girl. I know that compared to so many other stories, ours has such a happy ending. I promise, I do not take that for granted. I am so very blessed that my baby is so healthy and at home with us. I love her more than I ever could have imagined. She makes everyday happy and amazing.

I'm sorry this was so long, but that's the beginning of our adventure and if you're still interested, it will continue shortly.