When we lived up north I was working as a guard at the jail and also as an EA at the school. When I found out I was pregnant I knew I wouldn't be going back to the school in the fall, the kids were much too violent to be around while pregnant. I thought I could keep guarding, but I soon realized I was CONSTANTLY nauseated and the smells in a jail are NOT conducive to keeping down your breakfast. So I didn't continue working there either. And then we moved south.
After we moved into our new house I was 4 1/2 months pregnant and we decided it would be pointless for me to find a new job. I mean, who would hire me for a couple months? So I started claiming unemployment, which was awesome because I felt like I was still contributing to our household. Unemployment in Canada lasts much longer than I expected and it helped so much while we had to be away from home when Peyton was in the hospital.
Well, it recently ran out. I had a bit of a breakdown when that happened. I mean, I knew it wouldn't last forever, but now I wasn't bringing any money into our family. It felt unnatural. I have always been an independent person when it comes to money. But I also always knew I wanted to be a stay at home mom. I didn't realize how much these two things would clash. Once again, my poor husband. He is so patient while I work through every new inner struggle that comes with being a new mom.
Is being a stay at home mom enough? That was the question. Was it enough for me? Was it enough for our family? Was it enough for Peyton? I felt in my heart that being "just" a mom was exactly what I was supposed to be doing, but my brain was struggling with this. So many mom's I know already have their degrees and careers before having kids, I am way behind in that area and so I feel very inadequate as a mom and a wife. I don't want Peyton to feel like I'm not as smart or as ambitious as other mom's because I don't have a career. I've always planned on finishing a degree at some point, it just keeps getting pushed to the back of my priority list. But I also want her to know how important it is to be a mom.
Ultimately, I know that being a mom is the hardest, most important job in the world. To raise another human being is a HUGE responsibility. I believe that not enough importance is placed on the role of being a mother these days, which could be contributing to my insecurity in being "just" a mom. I'm not writing this to offend anyone. I'm just sharing the inner struggle I went through in coming to peace with being a stay at home mom. There is no place I would rather be than with my girl all day. I don't want to miss any part of her growing up. I had her so I could raise her and I am fortunate enough to be able to stay home and do that.
So, to answer the ultimate question: Being a mom is more than enough, it the most fulfilling job in the world. I know there is no greater challenge and no greater blessing than being a mother. I feel so honored to be Peyton's mom and I couldn't be prouder to tell people that I am "just" a mom.
Isn't it interesting that while women can now "have it all," instead we feel guilt about the choices we make? When I got pregnant and was stressed at work, Andy immediately said I should leave. I was the one who struggled with feeling like an inadequate member of our family if I wasn't contributing money. But for our family me being stress-less and at home is more important than the dollars I can bring in.
ReplyDeleteAnd I hear you about the tunnel vision! Isaac is 5 months and I know that I need to find who I am now as a mom and make sure that I don't lose who I was before. Such a new world and so many things to learn for both mom and baby!